Young and lonely - Mr. Philip Cheriyan

Loneliness is an epidemic today among many young people. Charles Durham defines it as “a painful state of mind, a feeling deep in the pit of your stomach. It may be mildly irritating or totally incapacitating.” Yet it is one more big reason for the rising suicide rates among the youth. As parents and leaders in ministry, it becomes very important for us to know what it is, how it affects young people today and how we could respond to them, effectively.

According to the poet Milton, loneliness was the first thing that God called as “Not Good.” Loneliness is rarely discussed in the Bible. But it is seen repeatedly in the lives of the giants in the Bible. David complained that he was lonely and afflicted. (Ps 25:16). Jesus was surely lonely at Gethsemane.

Loneliness can be due to many problems, some are listed here . . . Self image Youth may suffer from low self esteem, including negative evaluations of their own bodies, sexuality, health, appearance, behavior etc., mainly derived based on the standards from the media world. This contributes to a young person’s feeling of being unfit and tends to produce vulnerability to loneliness. Bonding Lonely students recall poorer relationships with parents and childhood friends. They also remember poor family ties. In short, lack of bonding early in life can be a big factor. Society We live in a world of superficial relationships.

The more we watch the TV, the less we communicate and trust people. New values like excessive individualism and independence are encouraged in society, which in turn breeds loneliness. Youth also sometimes think that they are individuals who are autonomous, independent of people and God. Some tend to be achievers, and hence selfish and possessive attitudes surface. Getting anything at any cost can make youth lonely in their pursuits. Fear Youth dread the possibility of getting hurt, and fear rejection. But when it happens they struggle emotionally. They also imagine possible situations that are threatening and stay out of everything, out of fear. Some struggle with the difficulty to communicate and therefore withdraw into their shells.

Spiritual reasons When a person is in open rebellion with God he can feel lonely. St Augustine talked about the restlessness of man until he finds God. Many young people who even call themselves “believers” may not experience any closeness to God and hence suffer. Spiritual disciplines are lacking these days and consistency in following God is often missed out in the rush to live. The Effects Loneliness affects young people in several ways. Some of these are listed here below. Young people find that their hopes, ambitions, dreams, their desires and wants, are all affected by loneliness. Obesity and greed can be symptoms of loneliness. In some cases it is manifested as aches and pains. Some complain of weakness in the legs. Stooped shoulders, slow painful walk, silence and withdrawals all bear testimony to loneliness.

Young people complain of God having deserted them. In some cases it is as if the relationship is going through a strain and they feel lonely. Youth report feelings of emptiness, hopelessness and unworthiness. As loneliness deepens they see themselves as unloved and unlovable. They withdraw into self-pity, self-centeredness or self-abuse. Some young people go into an overtly dependent lifestyle. Any kind of rejection can hurt such a person deeply. Loneliness can breed deep depression too. Youth may become suicidal as they keep all their feelings bottled in themselves. But there are also very lonely people who get violent rather than depressed too. Lonely frustrations are expressed in destructive ways. Some turn to drugs and alcohol, as these seem to be attractive options. We can help Listen … Empathise Encourage every young person to talk freely about his or her loneliness. Ask them to describe their feelings and their thinking. Find out what makes them the way they are. As far as possible stay away from the “Why?” question. For example, doesn’t ask them “Why do others reject you?” Communicate Empathy and interest into the lives of youth. Don’t make the mistake of saying, “That you understand how they feel,” or relate stories from the past out of your life. But assure them that they are not alone. Diagonise … Solve We need to find out why the situation has happened, is it due to a temporary situation, changing circumstances, or is it due to something inside the young person.

One needs to enlist the person’s active participation in developing a plan of action for overcoming their loneliness. Such plans could involve action steps, specific and measurable goals. If for some reason there seems to be a worsening of condition then it is important to possibly meet a professional Christian counselor. Meet the Lord Nothing solves the problem of loneliness like the companionship of God .You will be able to say “I am never lonely because I am never alone,” when you are in the company of the Lord. The Bible relates the growing relationship with God and others as the Basis for any solution to the problem of Loneliness. If we look around with concern, there are many young people waiting for help.

Most of them pretend they are well and happy. But much of that could be a mask. Some just want someone to listen. With young people a relationship can start with a simple thing as a smile, a pat on the shoulder, yet it may change their entire future. Will you have time for that?