On Being There - Ms. Manorama Rathnakar

Of all the inventions of humankind, examinations are by far the worst. They sap the energy and drain the vitality out of you. They are a menace to life itself – meaning, the life of the parents, of course! For most children, it is like water off a duck’s back; and just as well, or it could spoil their future permanently.

Let’s admit that no matter how many educationists put their heads together and mull over it for hours on end, examinations are not about to go away in a hurry. So, for the present, we need to be protected. How can we see that our children do not go to one extreme or the other – that they neither sleep through it like they might through a boring lecture, nor behave as if they were being given an electric shock? It’s up to us to guide them through these examinations in a calm and balanced way.

In fact, it should be looked upon as an exciting adventure like trekking, rock-climbing or camping out in the wild! Hence, to begin with, we need to develop in them a healthy attitude to the whole business of education, by making things interesting and full of fun. They should love it. A quiz after breakfast, brain teasers after lunch and games after tea should make a good beginning! Discussion, debates, story time and reading sessions are excellent for encouraging children to think and reason for themselves.

They will learn to associate study with fun. This brings us to the matter of time. “Where is the time for me to do these things?” you say. Well, if you are too busy to spend an hour with your children everyday, then you are too busy. Later you may find that your children take up much more time, because they have got into learning problems which could easily have been prevented. The basic way to help children is to talk to them, listening carefully to their problems and encouraging them.

You need to be close to them. If you ever give them an idea that failing an examination means the end of the world, it will be very difficult for them to face up to any challenge in the future. And, pushing them beyond their capacity will only produce negative results, and may even

end up in a disaster. Tragedies of this kind are not rare anymore. This information is not intended to alarm anyone. But prevention, as we all know, is much, much better. It is always best to avoid trying to keep up with the Joneses (or their children), because every young person works best at his or her own pace. Every youngster has an individual potential which is entirely different from that of others, just as fingerprints are different. A child cannot be poured into any mold that we happen to fancy. Children are individuals in their own right. We parents have charge of them only for a few years before they fly away from the nest! So we need to observe them carefully and study their strengths and weaknesses.

They need all the encouragement in the world. Many parents force their children to study Mathematics and Science subjects in college, when they could do brilliantly in the Arts. Some use corporal punishment when children make mistakes. This is the sure way to get them to hate school, college, teachers and studies. All they want to do is to escape in any was possible. They feel there is no one in the world who can help them. This is, indeed, a sad state to be in. Apostle Paul in his letter to the Colossians says, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Col 3:21 NIV). The New King James Version says, “Do not provoke your children.” Our children trust and obey us.

We should not betray their trust. Also in his letter to the Ephesians, Paul says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:4, NIV). Hence discipline seems a delicate art. Too much or too little can be harmful. The secret is to discipline your child with love. Whenever you have had to take disciplinary action with your children, show them that you did not disapprove of them, but only of their behaviour or misdeed. “Love covers a multitude of sins.” (1 Peter 4:8, NIV). If they love you and you have shown your love for them, they will obey you. Remember Jesus said, “If you love me, keep my commandments.” (John 14:15, NKJV). Love is the key. The opposite of love is regimentation, which is the last thing a youngster needs. It is what produces deviant, defiant and anti-social persons.

They could not cope with pressures, because there was no understanding adult to counsel, encourage or reassure. If parents cannot or will not take up the responsibility to guide their own child, who will? They can do this only by being a friend to their children, not forever finding fault or being hard task-masters. Respect them and thereby earn their respect. Some parents will stoop to mean tactics to ensure their daughter or son tops the class – as someone aptly put it, “A carrot in front and a stick behind!” To pay so much attention to children’s position in class would either make them intolerable egoists or give them a life long inferiority complex. Instead, we should just make sure they are doing their best and using their special talents which God never fails to give each one.

It would be a grave mistake to make children feel that they are loved only when they do well. Let home be a place where they can come back from the world and be themselves, and be loved for who they are. If already there is a barrier between you and your children, you need to make the first move towards peace. They do not need a critic. Jesus did not tell the people to let the studious, obedient children come to Him, but just children. The Good Shepherd left all the nice, good-natured sheep behind, and went after the naughty one who had gone astray.

Jesus told the story of the Prodigal Son, mainly to teach people about God’s love and His attitude towards the self-willed, inconsiderate people. Should our attitude be different from God’s? A practical way to form a good relationship with your children is to have a pleasant daily routine with them, that is flexible enough to accommodate little surprises and thrills now and then, so as to keep out boredom. But most importantly, you need to be a small part of it! When preparing for an examination, let them feel you are part of it and that you too do not know what questions they will ask! And don’t pretend afterwards that you knew the answers that your child did not! Normal children are apt to fail in something, sometime. Do not make much of it. Help them take examinations in their stride, studying everyday as best as they can, and carrying on bravely and cheerfully even if they fail. In this way, let them learn from you the way to face the greatest of examinations, which is life itself. “When the Great Scorer comes to write against our name, He writes not if we won or lost, but how we played the game.”